I'm wasting my time with waiting!
Waiting for a simple mail, waiting for some kind words.
20 days today and all the old wounds are itching again.
I was hurt so bad, and I cried ways too many tears, couldn't understand and never got an answer.
Even worse, the feeling that I got fooled, that I was only used and nothing more
We found each other again after over 15 years and I was so happy.
I asked all, what I wanted to know back then and she said, she couldn't remember a thing.
Weird enough, but I accepted it, happy to have her back in my life.
I was thinking back and forth, again and again, if I should write a mail, telling her, how I'm feeling and how bad she hurt me again.
But I won't!
Time to let go! Definitively!
Well, in my case it's different.
These moments, when you know, that your biggest wish never will come true.
This stupid hope, he could stand in the door one day ... and then? Nothing more than shattered glass, broken into thousand pieces.
I've been alone now for too many years, a stupid believer, hold up by his words: I'm back home ... soon.
This soon never came and he closed the door permanently.
If dead or alive, he is gone.
And even if he is alive, I know, he is ways too cowardly to ever come back.
Like he was in the last years, afraid to show up and I never found out why.
Such a coward!
It was in time to do something in the house.
And I'm almost done with 3 rooms. One with new wall papers, that was the worst.
But somehow I have the feeling it's in need to get my own little part in this house, just in case, another woman could move in
I haven't met her yet, but my oldest son seems to get serious
Oh how I wish, she will be the right one this time and not only after money and the farm.
Not like this other bitch (sorry, but there isn't any other word for her), cause she only saw the farm and money.
Well, and if he is lucky this time and she would move in here, I really have to go out of their way.
Doesn't matter if we go along very well, they will need their own space, their own place, without me all the time.
I have my rooms and the kitchen and bath and maybe, don't know how yet, there will be a possibility to build some stairs outside, so they really have the rest of the house for them selves
I'm open for surprises and hoping for the best
When you go into the chicken house and know immediately that something is wrong yak
The smell was so awful and I had to shoo the hen from her nest. One of the eggs wasn't only rotten, it was exploded.
Really, you don't even wanna imagine that smell.
I cleaned out all and everything and took away every hiding place a hen would use to lay her eggs.
It really makes me wonder, why this one hen was so eager to stay on the eggs, she must have known, that they are dead.
Well, time to prepare the room for the winter, soon October and who knows, how the weather will be.
Yesterday we got a new family member
Amber, a mix between a norwegian and a sibirian forest cat, born on the 20th of June.
Wonderful thing is, that Silver came back yesterday late evening, so Amber will have someone to play with
I wonder, how Ayla will react and hope, she will welcome Amber here.
Time to build a cat garden, so Amber can go out and be safe in the same time.
That's the message I read when I don't get any response at all.
>>I couldn't care less.<<
And I can't even tell, how much it hurts!
It's so sad and I don't understand, even more, I don't want do understand.
What's the excuse?
Too much stress?
Forgot about it?
Well, it would had taken 2 minutes to send a short message, just 2 minutes.
2 ridiculous minutes!
I couldn't care less!
Our beloved cat Lovely went over the rainbow bridge.
I was with her all the time, not able to leave her alone.
We buried her beside the trees, close to a rose, where she can rest in peace.
For ever in our hearts ♥
She followed her given name all her life, Belief in Life, and she used all 7 life a cat is given.
If there is something I really wish, then it's a real good night sleep again.
But thoughts going through, more up and down than a roller coaster. And not a single important one.
Cause honestly, I'm scared of the important thoughts.
I'm trying to avoid the sadness, the grief, the emptiness inside me.
I'm afraid that I can't stop crying if I let it happen.
Just like Cher sang: If I could turn back time ...
knowing, what I know now, or at least, if the story is true they are telling me, I would do anything in my power to change the future!
Damn I miss him so much
Today I sold the last 6 chicken for this year.
And the first time since months it's quiet in the house, the breeding machine is off, the steady hum is over and that's so good.
No more peep, nothing but silence, it's just wonderful.
There are still 4 hens outside, sitting on their eggs, but I think I can take them soon away, even if, it's getting too cold for the hatchlings outside.
Now it's in time to prepare all for the winter time and a lot of trees and bushes have to go into big buckets, all those, I wanna take with when we move.
Anyway, I have to buy a lot of trees again, cause most of those I planted here are already too big, impossible to take them out.
Today we were in Larvik, my sons surprised me with a nice dinner at an italian restaurant
Sitting together, making plans for next year, I know we can make it.
My sons are the best ones in the whole world
I'm trying to distract myself, working like a maniac, just to have my mind busy.
But the tears are sitting too close and I really have to get myself together, that I don't cry all the time.
It's a joy to see Stella running over the meadow and in the same moment it is killing me to know, that Precious and Stella have to go as well.
Not being able to see the little filly growing up, not being able to protect her and Precious from all poison, it's so damned hard.
Cleaning everything on the farm, preparing for the day we gonna sell it and move away.
And knowing, all this could have been avoided, if my Love would had taken care about some serious issues!
But nope, his boat, the paragliding, the alcohol, other women, traveling around the world, all this was so much more important than I.
I will never forget the last phone call, his soft words, his "I love you".
And then leaving me alone without anything!
I've been fooled, big times!
Aurora left the farm and I'm still sure, that she found the perfect place.
Her new owner, calm as can be, brought her in the trailer and it was a joy to see, that all worked out without any problems.
Yes, she is the right one for Aurora, no doubt about!
And I have to say Thank You! to many of you.
Thanks for trying to give me hope, thanks for sending all the good wishes, thanks for showing me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
And one more time sorry N. that I thought you could have been one of the people, being against me.
(Now there is only one left on my list, well, for sure I will never see her again!)
I know, you all have the best intentions and I know, that you all really mean, what you're saying.
Still, my decision is made, if there isn't any miracle taking place in the next few months, I gonna sell this farm.
I found my home here, after moving again and again all my life long, I really thought, I can stay here for ever.
Seems I was pretty much wrong about it.
But hey, next summer it's been 8 years, that my sons and I moved in.
8 years, the longest time ever I was living at one place.
Let's find out, what the future will bring to me.
I won't say, I should be happy, but at least I should feel better.
But all I can see are dark clouds, and this has nothing to do with the weather.
The barn is stacked with fresh hay, I found the perfect one for Aurora.
Stella and Precious are doing fine and so does my Angel. Even though he would love to be on the other side of the fence, with the girls.
Charly is doing well, no seizure in the past weeks, even Lovely started to eat again and there is hope, she will stay with us for a longer time. She is 15 years old, a good age for a cat, but I hope, she can enjoy some more years.
No sick animal, no real problems around.
My sons are working every day and are trying to help me, where ever they can.
I don't have anything to complain about ... but these damned black clouds.
Trapped into my own worries, don't know, what to do, don't see any direction I could take.
It would be great to have someone who can help me, working with Precious, but without the needed money? Useless to even think about.
If you don't open your wallet there is no help at all.
And knowing, someone is talking behind your back, telling shit stories, isn't helping either!
Well, at least I know who it is and honestly, I wish, from the bottom of my heart, that her bad talk will fall back on her.
So why do I have to go through this hard times? Am I not old enough to get a break from it?
I've helped people again and again and for sure, I won't stop helping, as long as I have the possibility to do it.
Hello Universe, isn't it in time to help me a bit?
Isn't it in time, to send me a little bit sunshine?
All these worries, the betrayal, for what?
Show me the direction I need to take, please!
Just to make it clear, I believe in justice!
And I don't have to do a thing, not to say a word, cause there is justice from high above.
Doing something bad, covering it up with "best intentions" don't make a bad thing good.
Real help looks different, something many people still don't see.
I've lost so much, believe me, more than I thought I'm able to bear.
But it didn't broke me down, I survived, it maybe made me stronger than I've ever been. The future will show it, I don't worry.
So, to everyone, special to YOU, just stop it with some covering up story.
Your intention wasn't to help anyone, not me, not my horses.
As I said, I believe in justice and no one can take this away from me.
There is a law, bigger than any law on this earth. No court has ever spoken any strong like that.
This law will never fail, never!
Some days ago I was cleaning a bit at the porch on the back of my house.
And all in a sudden a lot of bumblebees were around me. I accidentally destroyed their nest, I hadn't seen it under the stairs.
So I got a little cardboard box, put the nest into it and placed a basket and a lid from a cat litter over it.
They accepted my work and took over
Sometimes I wonder, if people really think I'm stupid.
Got a mail, a man asking for my horse to buy.
Well, so far nothing unusual, but ...
He's from Spain or Portugal, that's what his name is trying to tell me. And I don't have any connections to those countries, or better to say, don't have it anymore.
Second, if he got my mail from a friend, he would have written it.
Third, I doubt, that he's living in Norway, I doubt it very much!
What ever kind of scam this is, what do those people think?
Or do they think at all?
My last two horses are promised to a young woman and only if she decides not to buy, because of what ever reasons or an allergic reaction (and I really wish for her, that she don't react) I still have one woman waiting for an answer, cause she wanna buy a Curly as well.
Spain or Portugal pffftt come up with something better, that isn't so easy to figure!
Do you still underestimate my intelligence?