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Here I am


here you can see my beautiful stallion, my Angel
He was the reason, why I started a homepage about Curly horses.
Now, a lot has changed and I will write down this history.
The reason, why I deleted the whole page for this blog.

It's a history about love and lost, about good and bad people and all what happened to this day, I started this blog.
Of course I also will tell about all new things, time after time.

Another card in the mailbox and a mail to my mom

End of March I got another card, kind of a "Thank you card" to all, who had sent wishes and condolences to the mother of my Love.
Well, I know, that I never sent anything to her, why should I?
They ignored me, they silenced me out, they did, as if I don't exist at all.
I put it beside and had only one wish on my mind:
Leave me alone!

But no, it seems, this lawyer don't wanna give up, cause my mom got a email on the 05.05.2020
Well, she got the mail, but it was written to me
Dear Mrs. ...,

Thanks for sending a photo from the house.

In the meantime we have found the different payments for the purchase prices.

As a matter of form, so I can orient the heirs, I'd be obliged, if you would send me a copy of the contract, in which the house was assigned in your name, so everything is clear.

Kind regards

I know, I haven't sent a photo and I don't know, who could have, there is no one!
And what different payments?
Also this insinuation, that the house wasn't bought by me, but was assigned later in my name?

And again I ignored it, in fact, I never got the mail, he sent it to my mom.
There are so many open questions, so many things, that don't make any sense at all.

Now I've reached the end of the memory lane.
Many times it was hard to write it all down, dealing with all this again, going through a lot of emotions.
Maybe I will find the answer to all one day, what happened and hopefully can make my peace with it.
I still have to deal with my doubts, the loss, the anger and the grief.
Sometimes I find myself sitting and crying, a smell, a photo or one of all these wonderful notes my Love wrote for me can be the reason.
And every time my sons are here for me, catching my fall, before I go down into the deep black.
I'm so grateful for my wonderful sons and proud as a mother can be.

End of the memory lane.
Thanks for staying with me :-)

My desperation and my wonderful sons

I couldn't sleep anymore, overwhelmed by all my worries. I just couldn't see, how we can keep the farm without the help of my Love.
And I wanted to sell all and everything, as fast as possible, before the bills would break us.
But my sons thought different and told me again and again, that we will be able to keep the farm.
Anyway, I had to sell the horses and more, and even more problems came up.
One of the foals seemed to be sick, but to get a vet here without the money to pay him, how should I do that?
I can't tell, how many tears I cried, cause I felt so helpless.
A friend of mine told someone about all this and I got a mail from C., she would take the foal with for free and take care of him, paying the vet and giving it a good home.
I agreed and the first foal left the farm.
And I was trying to sell another horse, but it seemed, no one was interested. I got some offers for the mare, but those were ridiculous and I said Thanks No.
Another mail came in, asking if I have another horse, an older one I would sell.
Well, there was the one, but I hadn't planed to sell her at all, old as she is, I felt it just wasn't right.
But in the end I gave in, sold her to a nice woman for a little money, only to give half of the money back, because they said, there was so much wrong with her.
Meanwhile this mare gave birth to a foal and I hope, all and everyone is happy.

My sons were working hard to get some money in, but still there were too many bills to pay. All those bills my Love used to pay.
I sold my car and finally we were able to pay all bills and were able to breath a little bit easier.
Still I wanted to sell the farm, I thought it would be the best thing to do.
My sons said NO!

A letter from the lawyer

One day in March I got a letter from the lawyer.
But instead of some information, he only wrote:
Dear Mrs. ...

after our talk on the phone, I would be obliged, when you send me a photo from the house, bought in your name, and the buying contract as well.

Thanks in advance and greetings

err WHAT?
Sending him a photo from my house?
Why in heavens name?
And the contract?

So I decided to ignore this letter, there was absolutely no reason for me, to send him anything.

I remember many talks I had with my Love, my concern, what would be, if something happens to him and if I ever would find out, because I doubted that his mother or his brother would inform me.
He told me not to worry, cause he had changed his last will and that he put me with in. Also he said, that his lawyer knows about me and will inform me asap if ever anything should happen to him.
Well, you know by now, that no one informed me, but my mother.
And without the commission from my mother they found in his papers, I doubt that we ever would have heard a thing.

Something very wrong was going on!

An obituary

In the end of February I got a card, it was an obituary.
Plain and noble, plain the text, noble the paper.

I used photoshop to write in the english translation and to hide the names.

I was speechless!
No emotions, not a single word like "a huge loss" or "my beloved son" NOTHING at all!
And of course not hand signed either.
Now, everyone is dealing with the loss of a beloved child on a different way, but this here is ways too cold for me.
Ice cold, no feelings at all.
Was this for real?

That's it! Is it?

If you thought, that the story ends here, you couldn't be more wrong!

After some days I called the lawyer again, I needed some answers, but he only told me, I have to send him a real letter with the post, he wouldn't answer on the phone or via email.
And then he asked me, if I know, that my Love wanna buy a house in Norway.
Pay attention! He asked not in the past tense!
And he asked, if I know, that my Love owes a boat.
Again NOT past tense, but present!
But he told me, that my Love passed away and his mother and his NEW! girl friend were with him.
Why the "new"?
No one would ever say something like that, not in a situation like this, but the lawyer did.

Because he denied to tell me anything I wrote a letter, but ... NO answer at all.
So I started to search for our old friends we had in common and asked, if anyone had heard anything.
And I was told, that something went wrong at the dentist under an anesthesia and that they brought him from Germany to a hospital in Switzerland, where he passed away.

There is a page, where you can look up every one who passed away in Switzerland.
To this day the name of my Love isn't there!

If you think, all this is weird, just wait, more will follow and some evil is playing with.

And the hell opened up its gates for me

It was my moms birthday, Valentines day, 14.02.2020

I called her for some birthday wishes, but before I was able to say a word, she said:
He passed away :-(

I wouldn't believe it and she forwarded me the mail she got.

Dear Mrs. ...,

Mr. XXX XXX sadly passed away in XXX in Switzerland.

Many greetings


I called the lawyer right away, my body was shaking, but my brain still was working.
After I said, who I am, he only said:
There is no last will
and hang up!

I was sitting here, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but crying.
The next I remember was, that my youngest son stood beside me, calling his brother to come home from work right now.
He brought me to the doc, I got a pill to calm down and after the shaking was over, he brought me back home.

In the meantime my best friend was on her way to me, I don't know, who informed her, if it was me or one of my sons, it just doesn't matter.
She had sent me a message, that she's on her way to me and I answered, that I'm ok and after that I went into the bathroom.

What happened then was weird and that is, what I wanna tell you.

I found myself on the floor, I wasn't able to open my eyes, couldn't stand up and was waiting for someone to find me.
I felt the cold from the floor, my left arm was hurting from time to time, because I was laying on the hard cold floor.
And I was always listening, if I can hear the car from my friend, but nothing.

In the same time I was walking through a forest, it was a very dark forest, the trees were very huge and sky high and there was so much snow.
I saw footsteps in the snow and followed them and from time to time I saw a mans silhouette surrounded with a wonderful light, a color I've never seen before. I was able to see a beautiful green and yellow in this color, but then again, I can't explain, cause a color like this just don't exist.
I followed the steps and came to a dry river bed, big rocks laying around and I followed the dry river up a hill.
It was very steep and when I was on the top, I looked down into a canyon, wondering, where all the water was, cause I stood on top of a waterfall. A huge one, so high up in the mountain.
I turned around, tried to find the forest again, so I could follow the footsteps again, but wasn't able to.
And again and again I saw this beautiful light and the silhouette.
When I was at the foot of the mountain I finally was able to open my eyes and open the door to call my sons.

My oldest son helped me up and together with his brother he brought me downstairs into the living room.
He asked, how long I have been in the bathroom and I answered 5 to 10 minutes, and that I went to the bathroom after I sent the message to my friend.
So he took my phone, to check the time, looked at me with scared eyes and said: Mom, you have been there for 2 hours!

I know, that wasn't a dream and I also know, it wasn't because of the pill, I wasn't like under drugs or so, I was pretty clear in my head.
I was very aware about, that I was laying in the bathroom, the floor is cold enough to not forget that and it was very uncomfortable to lay there.
Still I don't know, what kind of experience it was, since it was almost without any emotions, no fear or anything like this.

I need a break now, will write more later.

Another doorstep to hell

February 2020

My mom got a mail:
Dear Mrs. ...,

Since many years I've counseled the family XXX
XXX XXX was damaged under a clinical intervention and at this time he isn't capable of acting nor sane.
We found a commission from you to him in his papers.
That's why we allow us to send you this information.
Can you please tell us, if we shall do something or need to know something?

Kind regards

I xxx-ed the names, I hope, everyone can understand why.

Pay attention, that it was my mom, NOT me, who got this mail!
I tried to get in contact with the mother and the brother of my Love, with no result at all.

I worried, I was scared and I wanted to know, in which hospital he was, so I can go and see him.
But they silenced me out!

If you think, this is not hell yet, damn you're right, cause it got worse!

Some belated Jul wishes

It was the 24th of December 2019 when he called me.
He wanted to wish us a wonderful Jul celebration, since he knew, that we don't celebrate Christmas.
Wondering where he was, I asked and he told me, that he is in Switzerland, at his mothers place, cooking a nice dinner.

It was a short, but wonderful call, he said, that he loves me and hang up.

If I only would had known ...
it was the last time that I should hear his voice :-(

A weird phone call about a dentist

It was November 2019 when he called me, to tell me, that he had to go to the dentist.
We were joking around and of course he said, that he will ask for an anesthesia, cause he was panic patient.
And then he mentioned, that if I ever would need to go to a dentist, he would recommend his dentist and that he would pay for the flight and hotel and everything, that would be in need.
I was completely shocked!
Had he forgotten, what happened to me in Hungary?
I told him and he was so sorry to hear about, but said, he didn't know about it.
We talked a bit more and then he hang up, it was late and he needed to sleep.

Early next morning he called again, telling me, that he's almost on his way to the dentist and again recommend this dentist to me and that he would pay for all.
Again I told him about Hungary and again he was sorry for me.
Damn it, that scared me a lot.
I knew, that the day will come, that he will forget more and more. Too much alcohol is never good, for no one!
But this time there was just a night between our talk and he forgot what I told him.
I worried about him, very very much!

So many years, so many calls

And the years passed by, he was calling every now and then and every time I was happy :-)
I can't say anymore when it happened in 2015, but my hope raised like a rocket sky high.
He said: I love you
And every time he called we were making plans about his visit. Talking about the trip we wanna take with his boat, and hoping, that every problem would be fixed soon.
I remember sitting together with him, the drawing of the boat on the table, discussing the colors, the furniture and many small details. And of course the name of the boat and he wanted to name it after my internet name "Freya".
If he ever did, I don't know.
Some many things went wrong with this boat, he sued the company for all the mistakes, had to go to court because of this again and again.
Finally he called and said, that everything is fixed and that he won the trial :-)
If I remember right, it was last year, in 2019.
He was looking forward to come here, pick me up and that we could take our trip along the norwegian coast up to northern Norway.

But the fate was against us :-(

Riga and a confusing phone call

It was August 2014, I was burned out, all the work on the farm had been too much and I needed a break.

Talking with my best friend, we decided to take a vacation somewhere nice, no one of us has been before.
We booked a nice Hotel in Riga, only a week, nothing special, just to get away for a while.
Only some days before we had to take the flight, my Love called, telling me, that he wanna come to visit me.
It was hard for me to tell him, that I wouldn't be here at all and asked if it would be possible for him, to wait until I'm back from Riga.
No problem at all for him and I was happy.

Riga was wonderful, even though the weather was almost every day against us.
But we enjoyed our time there anyway :-)
Only one day before we had to go back home, my phone rang in the early morning time, around 4 o'clock.
Who else than my Love, for him there wasn't any time limit to not to call.
Totally relieved he said: Oh so good to hear your voice! Is everything ok with you?
And after I answered he suddenly recognized that he woke me up, said sorry and hang up.
A bit puzzled I turned around, trying to sleep again.
Only minutes later the phone rang again and it was more than confusing to hear him saying exactly the same again.
And again he hang up, feeling sorry, that he woke me up.
I never found out what was going on with him, asking him weeks later he even couldn't remember that he had called me.

Weeks and months past buy, he called me many times, mostly in the middle of the night, like he always used to do.
But not a single word about visiting me in Norway.

A lot of travels and even more phone calls

Since I had to travel to Germany every now and then to a dental clinic, I was pretty busy without a lot of time to think about my Love.
And he started to call me, more and more often and again I was puzzled, didn't know, what to think about it.
He wanted to meet me in Hamburg, but every time I was there, something important came in between so he couldn't come.
Long phone calls, telling me, how sorry he was and that he wasn't able to stand by my side, when I had to go to the clinic.

Honestly? I doubted every single word he said.
Telling me that he wanted to meet me, nothing but empty words.

Once my oldest son came with and we had a stop in Denmark, to take another flight.
We were walking up and down at the airport, when I was suddenly paying attention to the music.
All were break-up songs and I said to my son, that my Love (he still was, even though he broke up with me) wouldn't come to Hamburg.
My son was a bit confused, he couldn't understand, why I was so sure about it, but I only said: Listen to the music and you will understand.

When we arrived at the hotel, he wasn't there, but 2 rooms were booked, one for him and me, the other for my son.
Needless to say, that every waiting was useless!

And what about my promise to myself, to never wait again?
Stupid me!

A breakdown and a stupid decision

Well, this part is hard to write down, even harder than everything before.
I'm ashamed of what I did, but as I said, I wanna be honest, and I am.

It was March 2014 and I hadn't seen him since he left the house in January.
No problem at all, but also no phone call from him and this was killing me.
And then I had this feeling, it hit me so hard and I knew, the next time he will call me, he gonna break up with me.

Only some days later he called and it happened, he really broke up with me.
I rushed into a deep black hole, not able to deal with it.
I went crazy, started a bad fight with my sons, threw them out of the house and told them to never come back.
Sent a message to my very best friend here in Norway and asked her, to take care of my youngest son, since he wasn't 18 at that time.

After my sons had left the house I sat down, empty, totally empty in my mind and everything.
Feeling dead and wanted to end all of this.

I don't know, how long I was sitting there, but the door was opened and my sons and my best friend came in.
They all sat beside me, wrapping their arms around me and that broke the wall.
I cried and cried and cried, til there was no more tear to cry.

I'm not proud about it, I was so foolish, so stupid and egoistic.
My friend stood with me for some days, until she was sure, that I wouldn't do anything stupid.
And my sons were around me as well, all the time, taking care of me.

Well, it took some days before I really was back on track and I started to make plans.
It was in time for me to think about myself.
Time to stop waiting, time to go on.

And again everything turned a way around, I wasn't expecting at all.

The doorstep to hell

The meeting should had been taken place on the 29. of January and I was waiting and worrying, but no call, no sign, nothing at all from him.
And with every day my worries grow bigger.

I tried to call, I sent messages, no answer at all and I knew, that there was something very wrong.
Finally I gave in and called the hotel he was supposed to be. I didn't liked doing this, but since he never picked up the phone, I just had to do it.
He took the phone and he was so drunk, I've never heard him like this before.
He yelled at me, tons of accusations and hang up.
Then he called me and it started all over again, so I hang up.
I don't know, why I picked up the phone every time again, when he called only seconds later, to throw more accusations on me, trying to hurt me like crazy.
I knew, he was talking to his ex wife, not to me, but still, the pain was almost excruciating.

After I don't know how many calls he was back in his mind, talking to me and promising me, to go to a rehab right away.
But he didn't.
Luckily someone from the hotel found him in time and he was rushed to a hospital.
Ways too much wine, he could have killed himself with that amount.

And again I was waiting for him, like I was waiting for him since we met 37 years ago.