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An obituary

In the end of February I got a card, it was an obituary.
Plain and noble, plain the text, noble the paper.

I used photoshop to write in the english translation and to hide the names.

I was speechless!
No emotions, not a single word like "a huge loss" or "my beloved son" NOTHING at all!
And of course not hand signed either.
Now, everyone is dealing with the loss of a beloved child on a different way, but this here is ways too cold for me.
Ice cold, no feelings at all.
Was this for real?

That's it! Is it?

If you thought, that the story ends here, you couldn't be more wrong!

After some days I called the lawyer again, I needed some answers, but he only told me, I have to send him a real letter with the post, he wouldn't answer on the phone or via email.
And then he asked me, if I know, that my Love wanna buy a house in Norway.
Pay attention! He asked not in the past tense!
And he asked, if I know, that my Love owes a boat.
Again NOT past tense, but present!
But he told me, that my Love passed away and his mother and his NEW! girl friend were with him.
Why the "new"?
No one would ever say something like that, not in a situation like this, but the lawyer did.

Because he denied to tell me anything I wrote a letter, but ... NO answer at all.
So I started to search for our old friends we had in common and asked, if anyone had heard anything.
And I was told, that something went wrong at the dentist under an anesthesia and that they brought him from Germany to a hospital in Switzerland, where he passed away.

There is a page, where you can look up every one who passed away in Switzerland.
To this day the name of my Love isn't there!

If you think, all this is weird, just wait, more will follow and some evil is playing with.

And the hell opened up its gates for me

It was my moms birthday, Valentines day, 14.02.2020

I called her for some birthday wishes, but before I was able to say a word, she said:
He passed away :-(

I wouldn't believe it and she forwarded me the mail she got.

Dear Mrs. ...,

Mr. XXX XXX sadly passed away in XXX in Switzerland.

Many greetings


I called the lawyer right away, my body was shaking, but my brain still was working.
After I said, who I am, he only said:
There is no last will
and hang up!

I was sitting here, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but crying.
The next I remember was, that my youngest son stood beside me, calling his brother to come home from work right now.
He brought me to the doc, I got a pill to calm down and after the shaking was over, he brought me back home.

In the meantime my best friend was on her way to me, I don't know, who informed her, if it was me or one of my sons, it just doesn't matter.
She had sent me a message, that she's on her way to me and I answered, that I'm ok and after that I went into the bathroom.

What happened then was weird and that is, what I wanna tell you.

I found myself on the floor, I wasn't able to open my eyes, couldn't stand up and was waiting for someone to find me.
I felt the cold from the floor, my left arm was hurting from time to time, because I was laying on the hard cold floor.
And I was always listening, if I can hear the car from my friend, but nothing.

In the same time I was walking through a forest, it was a very dark forest, the trees were very huge and sky high and there was so much snow.
I saw footsteps in the snow and followed them and from time to time I saw a mans silhouette surrounded with a wonderful light, a color I've never seen before. I was able to see a beautiful green and yellow in this color, but then again, I can't explain, cause a color like this just don't exist.
I followed the steps and came to a dry river bed, big rocks laying around and I followed the dry river up a hill.
It was very steep and when I was on the top, I looked down into a canyon, wondering, where all the water was, cause I stood on top of a waterfall. A huge one, so high up in the mountain.
I turned around, tried to find the forest again, so I could follow the footsteps again, but wasn't able to.
And again and again I saw this beautiful light and the silhouette.
When I was at the foot of the mountain I finally was able to open my eyes and open the door to call my sons.

My oldest son helped me up and together with his brother he brought me downstairs into the living room.
He asked, how long I have been in the bathroom and I answered 5 to 10 minutes, and that I went to the bathroom after I sent the message to my friend.
So he took my phone, to check the time, looked at me with scared eyes and said: Mom, you have been there for 2 hours!

I know, that wasn't a dream and I also know, it wasn't because of the pill, I wasn't like under drugs or so, I was pretty clear in my head.
I was very aware about, that I was laying in the bathroom, the floor is cold enough to not forget that and it was very uncomfortable to lay there.
Still I don't know, what kind of experience it was, since it was almost without any emotions, no fear or anything like this.

I need a break now, will write more later.

Another doorstep to hell

February 2020

My mom got a mail:
Dear Mrs. ...,

Since many years I've counseled the family XXX
XXX XXX was damaged under a clinical intervention and at this time he isn't capable of acting nor sane.
We found a commission from you to him in his papers.
That's why we allow us to send you this information.
Can you please tell us, if we shall do something or need to know something?

Kind regards

I xxx-ed the names, I hope, everyone can understand why.

Pay attention, that it was my mom, NOT me, who got this mail!
I tried to get in contact with the mother and the brother of my Love, with no result at all.

I worried, I was scared and I wanted to know, in which hospital he was, so I can go and see him.
But they silenced me out!

If you think, this is not hell yet, damn you're right, cause it got worse!

Some belated Jul wishes

It was the 24th of December 2019 when he called me.
He wanted to wish us a wonderful Jul celebration, since he knew, that we don't celebrate Christmas.
Wondering where he was, I asked and he told me, that he is in Switzerland, at his mothers place, cooking a nice dinner.

It was a short, but wonderful call, he said, that he loves me and hang up.

If I only would had known ...
it was the last time that I should hear his voice :-(